You Might Be An Evangelical If #1

Just for the fun of it we’re starting a new category, “You Might Be An Evangelical If…” (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy). We don’t take ourselves too seriously and we assume you won’t either.

If you want to submit your own “You Might Be An Evangelical If…” jokes, then please email me at feedbackcg (at) yahoo.com. I will keep a running list and will post them on a semi-regular basis. As awful as it may sound, you might need to be edited ever so slightly, hence emailing them to me first. Please let me know if you want your name associated with your submissions.

If you only want to comment on the jokes you read here, please click “comment” and speak your piece. Or peace.

Here we go:

If the person you and your friend are “sharing with” spits in your face, tells you never to speak to her again, and calls the police to complain about you proselytizing, and you tell your colleague that “God’s Word does not return void”….you might be an evangelical.

If you see a Gold’s Gym t-shirt and then think that a “God’s Gym” t-shirt would be really cool…you might be an evangelical.

 

If your personal library contains the Left Behind series, the Prayer of Jabez, the Purpose-Driven Life and Your Best Life Now….you might be an evangelical.

If you think the best place to buy quality artwork for your living room is a Christian “bookstore”…you might be an evangelical.

Comments

[Dignan]

If you know what a DTR is, you might be an evangelical. :)

[Doug]

If someone says "guitar", and you automatically think "worship", you might be an evangelical.

[DM]

If your hands only go up during the chorus of a praise song...you might be an evangelical

[Mike]

I posted "You Might Be a Dispensationalist If . . ." at my blog. Fun to poke fun, eh?

[Ethan Harris]

The original list as quoted by Door Magazine and Ken Gentry!

…You might be a Dispensationalist
1. If more than one of your children is named Ryrie, Chafer or Darby…
2. If you get excited when you see a sentence with a parenthesis…
3. If you license plate reads: “IM PR TRB”…
4. If you believe the musical “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” contains an apocalyptic message…
5. If your bedroom, office and car all have sky-lights…
6. If you have ever stated: “Well, Lindsey said…”
7. If there are more underlined sentences in your copy of “Late Great Planet Earth” than in your Bible…
8. If you own a copy of “Late Great Planet Earth”…
9. If you consider Tommy Ice an authority on anything…
10. If your Pastor gives a sermon exclusively from the New Scofield Bible study notes…
11. If you’ve eve had more than three candidates for the AntiChrist at one time…
12. If you think Saddam Hussein’s name means 666 in more than three languages…
13. If you took Hal Lindsey’s advice twenty years ago not to make any long term plans and are now broke, uneducated and in a dead-end job…
14. If bar-codes make you nervous…
15. If you’ve only been a Christian for one year and your Pastor has preached through the book of Revelation more than two times…
16. If you make sure there’s at least one non-Christian pilot on every flight you take…
17. If your church has adopted the 60’s song “Up, Up and Away” as a hymn…
18. If you think the Ryrie Study Bible notes are part of the original autographs…
19. If you’ve already forgotten the last wrongly predicted date of the rapture…
20. If you already know the next predicted date for the rapture…
21. If you’re still suspicious about Gorbachev’s birthMARK…
22. If you believe that Grant Jeffrey, Tommy Ice, Dave Hunt or Hal Lindsey is a theologian…
23. If you know the location of the European Central Bank…
24. If you’ve ruined more than five records trying to find backward messages…
25. If you count trampoline aerobics as “Rapture Practice” in your morning devotions…
26. If you think Texe Marrs’ books belong in the theology section of your local Christian bookstore…
27. If you never stand on your head out of the fear that the rapture will send you the wrong direction…
28. If your baby’s stroller has a break-away sun bonnet…
29. If you always chew gum so your ears won’t pop at the rapture…
30. If you can name more dispensations than commandments…
31. If Clarence Larkin is your favorite artist…
32. If you know who Clarence Larkin is…
33. If your children’s favorite game is Pre-Trib-Hide-and-Seek, “Now you see me, now you don’t”…
34. If you think the four millennial positions are: Pre-Trib, Mid-Trib, Post-Trib and Liberal…
35. If your favorite party game is “Pin the tail on the Beast”…
36. If your favorite CrackerJacks prize is a temporary tattoo of the Mark of the Beast…
37. If you think John Walvoord, CI Scofield and J N Darby are some of the Church Fathers…
38. If your favorite one-volume commentary on the Bible is on “The Bible Code”… (Jon B.)
39. If your favorite multi-volume commentary on this morning’s newspaper is the Bible…(Jane D.

-Ethan E. Harris and (nonymous)